The mauve napkin ring was the real tip off

Here's a late breaking bulletin from the war on terror: Eating chicken with currants can make you gay!
Most of the military's Meals, Ready-to-Eat (MREs) have simple, literal names--Hamburger Patty, Beef Stew, Cheese Tortellini. But there is one that is, well, a little different: Country Captain Chicken. One of General George Patton's favorite recipes, the dish features chicken breasts in a tomato sauce flavored with currants. Long after Patton's death, as the story goes, another general told the Natick Soldier Center, which oversees the military's ration program, that it ought to honor the legendary commander by making Country Captain Chicken into an MRE. So MRE-makers cooked up a prototype of the dish and tested it with soldiers. The Joes liked it. At first. "Our war-fighters gave it a thumbs up; it scored very high," Gerald Darsch, the Defense Department's director of combat feeding, told me. "But, within several years, it began to rate on the low end."

What happened? Country Captain Chicken got a reputation. During the initial invasion of Iraq, when I was embedded with the 101st Airborne Division, soldiers were fighting over the Hamburger Patty, but they left Country Captain for the reporters. "Country Captain Chicken," a young specialist told me, "will make you gay."
I wonder what they say about the Elton John Bratwurst Surprise?

h/t Kevin Drum
9.7.06 00:14


Mo' flow a no show

Moses may have split the Red Sea, but Mohammed can alter the laws of hydrostatic pressure:
Officials in America and Lebanon say that they have disrupted a plot by foreign terrorists to attack New YorkÂ’s transport network.

The New York Daily News reported that the scheme was to blow up the Holland Tunnel, the southernmost link between Manhattan and New Jersey, with the aim of causing a torrent of water to shoot out and flood New YorkÂ’s financial district. Sources told the newspaper that the terrorists wanted to drown the area, as New Orleans was inundated by Hurricane Katrina.

The Daily News pointed out that as all of lower Manhattan is above the water level, it is unclear how flooding a tunnel could have affected higher ground.
Infidels! You and our Godless physics are no match for our blessed martyrs of Islam!

There's something fishy about these recent terrorist arrests. Last week there was a cult of black Jewish Christians with delusions of attacking Sears Tower. This week it's an internet chat conspiracy led by a man who couldn't make the cut in an elementary school science fair.

This is not to deny that there are Islamofascist whack jobs our there who want to kill Americans. It just seems strange that most of the conspirators arrrested so far seem about as threatening as the Seven Dwarfs.
7.7.06 21:51


New rules

From a reader at Free New Mexican , commenting on a story about the marriage of two gay Spanish soldiers:
We need legislation to declare heterosexuality the official sexuality of our great free nation.

We also need to see all candidates for elective office demonstrate their heterosexuality on nationwide TV, including nude foreplay and verbal seduction. They will be allowed to smoke at the end of the demonstrations.

We should also detain citizens at random and subject them to a similar test to keep our country strong. Those who refuse or fail will be sent to Guantanamo until they've been rehabilitated.

This decisive action is needed, given that the threat of gay marriage is greater than the threat of global warming, bird flu, etc.
George and Laura bumping uglies? I'll pass.
4.7.06 15:13


We wuz robbed!

I am the only person on my block to have cheered on the Ghanain soccer team through its Cinderella performance in the World Cup. I can't help myself. I visited Ghana as a college student, spending a summer as a volunteer building a school in a remote village. The country was suffering from a tin pot dictator at the time, a bloody, cowardly general who executed political opponents, and then displayed their bloody corpses on the front page of the government run tabloid, under the banner headline "TRAITORS!". Hunger and poverty were everywhere, and everything was in shortage. I remember waiting to borrow one of three shovels available to 40 volunteers, to dig a foundation for the school, which, as far as I know, may still be under construction.

Since it was strongly advised not to talk politics with Ghanains, we spent our time getting our butts handed to us while playing soccer. All Ghanains played soccer. Legless beggars bounce soccer balls of their stumps, I am sure, to the amazement of white tourists. It's in their blood. Ghanains are also friendly to a fault, generous, and warm. If you burned down a Ghanain's house, he would apologize for not living closer to the fire department.

But all that politesse goes out the window when the topic is soccer:
Sheer Robbery at World Cup

Ghana, the only African representative left at the World Cup has been painfully eliminated from the event. The Black Stars were robbed of what started as a good game for Ghana and continued to be except for lack of goals.

The world cup has been plagued by bad officiating and over-flowing cards from referees. Today was no exception to what looks like a planned strategy to kick out the underdogs at the world cup.
27.6.06 21:53


Get thee behind me, Satan!

Salt Lake City businessman John Jacob blames Satan for his lackluster primary challenge to an incumbent U.S. Congressman. But that won't hurt his image with the voters - Jacob is running as Republican.
"You know, you plan, you organize, you put your budget together and when you have 10 things fall through, not just one, there's some other, something else that is happening," Jacob said.

Asked if he actually believed that "something else" was indeed Satan, Jacob said: "I don't know who else it would be if it wasn't him. Now when that gets out in the paper, I'm going to be one of the screw-loose people."

Jacob initially said the devil was working against him during a Wednesday immigration event, then reiterated his belief Thursday in a meeting with The Salt Lake Tribune editorial board.

"There's a lot of adversity. There's no question I've had experiences that I think there's an outside force," he said.
Now some of your more elitist, reality-based voters might say Jacob has a whole bucket of loose screws, but those aren't the kind of people who vote in Republican primaries.
University of Utah political scientist Matthew Burbank said Jacob's sentiment is unusual for a political candidate and might show his inexperience, but is unlikely to be a major issue for the conservative voters he is targeting.

"Given that, I don't think it's very likely to make a big splash among Republican primary voters, but certainly if he gets through to the general election it might come up again and he'd have to explain it more," Burbank said.
h/t Sullivan
25.6.06 22:13


There's something about LaShawn

Right wing harpies fascinate me. It could be the hypocrisy of women who purport to rail against modern feminism while enjoying the same status as male pundits, equality being the soul of feminism. Or is it the opportunity afforded to addle-pated wantwits whose words would never see the top side of a cocktail napkin if wasn't for their gender?

In the universe of wingerettes, LaShawn Barber is a unique flaming ball of gas. Most writers get better with experience. LaShawn just gets dimmer. Here's her take on greasy immigrants and filthy gays:
While Bush attempts to sound conservative, remember that his pro-Mexico, anti-America immigration scheme will cause more damage to this great country than a million homosexuals “marrying.” The influx of millions more poorly educated, poor English-speaking, non-assimilating Third World (more importantly, Third World-retaining) aliens is more of a threat to the average American than the spectacle of men standing at an altar…although it’s difficult to decide which is more disgusting.
The left has its share of idiots, but they're marginalized, writing pointless screeds for free alternative newspapers. LaShawn tells us she will be part of a conference call with Sen. Rick Santorum, R-Noun, to hammer out the finer points of the GOPs war on same sex marriage.

The good news is, it will all be over in 30 months when George Bush leaves office. I need a drink.
6.6.06 06:20


The Truth About Malkin


Brave Little Michelle tell us the truth about the Haditha massacre today. Short version: All the facts aren't in; people who are against the war are using their America-hating brain waves to make the rest of us think that massacres are bad; and the terrorists kill civilians all the time. And then there's this:
I do not know the truth about Haditha. Neither do Murtha and the media outlets calling the alleged massacre a massacre before all the facts are in. It would be helpful if they could handle these grave charges without serving as al Jazeera satellite offices.
It would be helpful if Brave Littel Michelle could handle these grave charges without serving as George Bush's comfort woman.
31.5.06 21:30


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